My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize