my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize