Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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