Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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