Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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