If that was your dad, he is hot
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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