yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
