Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
