Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
