I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
