Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
