I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
