i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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