broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
