Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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