I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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