We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just gargled with NyQuil
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
