You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Hippo gnu deer
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
