tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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