he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
