Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
