My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
