Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
