The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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