the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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