woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
