someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
