Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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