Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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