toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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