Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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