I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
