if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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