he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
