i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
