I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
