What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
