I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
