I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
