cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just had sex on a roof
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
