after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
