My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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