he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Randomize
