My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
