im about as happy as oj after his trial
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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