yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
