I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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