I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
