i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
