They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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