Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
