I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
