i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I could make wine with my vomit
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
