im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize